M&M Characters Redesigned, Now Show Hole
A little ditty by me and Cole Steffensen
My freaky little son, Cole Steffensen, and I wrote this a few years ago. McSweeney’s (understandably) thought it was too horny and weird. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get to read it. Feast your eyes!
“M&M's will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous, until the moment you wouldn't want to have a drink with any one of them. That's the goal. When you're totally turned off, we've achieved equity. They've won.”
-Tucker Carlson
M&Ms Have Holes Now, You’re Welcome
Here at Mars Inc, we love America’s enthusiasm for our M&M brand. We kept you, the people, in mind with our brand new, 21st century update. We want to affirm that our characters are fun, flavorful, and fully showing their little holes! Let’s take a look:
The Orange M&M used to be a bit scatterbrained and left his shoes untied, but now, he’s more organized and keeps his shoes tied. He’s organized the photos on his phone so all his well-lit hole pics are ready to share at a moment’s notice!
The Brown M&M is now in a kitten heel, and represents a more playful, modern woman. She emotionally destroyed all of her female friends in college, and now identifies as bisexual. She currently works as an astrologer for a local zine called “Candy Flyp”. Because she understands the planets and stars so well, she knows the exact right time and place of the moon to send a picture of her moon- which is what (you guessed it) she calls her hole.
The Green M&M lost her go-go boots because she’s now a go-getter. She’s a girlboss, a a mom of 15 turquoise M&Ms and the proud owner of a honda Odyssey. She might have ditched her high heels, but there’s no need to worry. Green is the same as ever - ready and willing to flash a hole (front, back, side, dealer’s choice) at a moment’s notice.
The Yellow M&M was a full throated himbo in 2022, but in 2023 he’s taken a TURN. You’re much more likely to find his sexy little face buried in reddit. Yellow M&M maintains the notorious subreddit /r/holeytheories where he posts ancient alien conspiracy “research” and uploads anonymous pictures of his hole.
Just like in our original vision, the Red M&M is still a proud member of the lesbian community, and uses she/they pronouns. We recognize that it is, as they say, “off-game” for them to show hole, but for the sake of inclusivity, she’s still down to drop trou at a moment’s notice and show off his hole at your request.
The Blue M&M wasn’t very distinct in our old advertisements, but we found customers today resonated with his subdued, quiet energy so we’ve filled in his backstory a little. In 1967, Blue was in basic training before leaving overseas to serve in Vietnam. On a rare day off, he wandered the forests near the training camp with his compatriots Mauve, Beige, and Turquoise. Blue and the trio stumbled across a worn down backgammon shack. You know, a shack where a soldier could get away from the world, kick back some Rye, look at a photo of his girl lying nude, hole out, on the American Flarg, and play some backgammon alone in nature. Mauve, Beige, Turquoise, and Blue said “well, when in shack” and sat down to play some ‘gammon, drink some of Tennessee’s finest whiskey, and look at smut pics. But as many M&M customers know, if there’s two things in this world that don’t mix it’s backgammon and moonshine. An argument erupted between our valiant protagonists and while it’s hard to say amidst the ruckus who began the fight, we know it ended when Mauve, Beige, and Turquoise stormed out of the cabin, stepped on an abandoned landmine, and exploded into thousand delicious pieces of chocolate -brought to you by Mars Inc. Mourning the loss of his stupid friends who ruined backgammon for him forever, he retreated to those very same woods for decades. But don’t you worry that silly little dapper bowtie you call a brain, Tucker Carlson, Blue M&M still loves to spread his cheeks and show his appealing and totally not androgynous HOLE to the world. It’s one of the few things in life that still brings him joy.
